Let’s Just Take a Break From All the Bad News and Have a Good Laugh

I've been collecting humor from ....well any place I can find it. Some of (what I consider) the best jokes sometimes find their way onto the "Country Classics" show Saturday mornings on WKDQ. Here are a few that hopefully will give you a laugh or two.

Be careful when it comes to reincarnation.... one time I asked to be a real stud and I spent 30 years in a kitchen wall.

Marriage is like a card game – when it starts it’s all hearts and diamonds….after a while you’re looking for a club and a spade

I’ve been doing crunches twice a day -captain in the morning and Nestles in the afternoon, Actually--if by "crunches" you mean the sound bacon makes when you bite into it, yes I'm doing chunches.

This weekend I'm attending an animal rights barbecue.

My only real long term goal is to never end up on Maury POVICH

My favorite pick-up line is, "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

I used to be in a bluegrass band called “lost dog”--you probably saw our posters.

When you die and you're laid out in your casket and your friends are standing over you, what would you want them to say? "I'd like somebody to say,'look! He's movin'''

You are supposed to wash your hands long enough to sing happy birthday…now when I go to the bathroom to wash, my grand kids expect me to come out with a cake

Have you ever noticed that all the Elvis imitators look more like each other than they do like Elvis?

I got pulled over by a dyslexic cop last night. He wrote me up for  I U D .

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people? -- "Alright, get in the basket".

My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do even the simple things right. So I packed her bags and left.

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!

I told my buddy to invest money in bonds. So he bought 100 copies of Goldfinger

My wife dropped a very expensive avocado on the drive way and I ran over it with my truck…..well it wasn’t killed BUT it will be a vegetable for the rest of it’s life

Whenever my daddy would cuss he’d always say “excuse my French” then in school one day my teacher asked if anybody knew a foreign language…..that was the day I got kicked out of 3rd grade

I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

If you get an email about chopped ham with salt and  and gelatin-don’t open it-it’s SPAM!

I finally laid down the law to my wife last night …I came home and said---let me tell you what you’re gonna do-while I go in the living room and watch ESPN – you’re gonna cook me a nice dinner with fresh made cornbread, bring it in he living room where I’ll be in the recliner…and after I’ve eaten guess who’s gonna give me a sponge bath and comb my hair? She said –"The undertaker?"

I bought a  world map and then took a dart and said, " I’m gonna throw this and wherever it lands—that's where I'm taking us until this pandemic ends." Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I filled out the new safety questionnaire here at work and one question was:  What steps you would take in the event of a fire? "Really Big Ones" is apparently the wrong answer.

I hope you found some of these funny and maybe got a belly laugh or two. Thanks to Steven Wright, Rodney Dangerfield and all the others for their help.