by Shayna Dossett

Thanksgiving is nearing, and as a college student, that means a break from class and real food. I look forward to not having to roll out of bed five minutes before I’m supposed to be leaving my house. This is my senior year in college and so far, it has lived up its horrific reputation. I’m looking forward have a few days off where I can just wake up when I want and stuff my face like calories and carbohydrates don’t exist. The holiday season, as I’m sure most of you know, can be stressful and cause a few family…kerfuffles if you will.

Oh who am I kidding, most families are lucky if the WWE moves come out with the pumpkin pie and not the stuffing. This year, to keep the peace, I’ve decided to turn to my mentor for advice, Madea. If you don’t know me (which I’m assuming most of you don’t) I am a HUGE Tyler Perry fan. I’m talking an entire shelf dedicated to Tyler Perry and ONLY Tyler Perry movies and shows. I’ve adopted Madea (and Betty White) as grandmas. After consulting with Madea, here are some of her tips to having a successful Thanksgiving.

Madea’s Rules for Tanksgiving Dinner: Here’s some simple rules to keep folks from getting crazy at dinner time.

  • First and foremost, this is Tanksgiving, we’re to be thankful for what we got; and I got sugar, butter, gravy, and stuffin’. This ain’t Jenny Craig’s house, don’t be asking for sugar free this or fat free that. Who the hell wants eats that anyway?
  • Be polite, greet each other right. When someone walks in you say “Heller, how ya derin’?”
  • Bring food to contribute to the meal. With taxes the way they are, folk can’t afford to feed everyone.
  • Don’t be on that stuff. You show respect and come to dinner clean and sober, we don’t need you chasing rabbits around the room. Don’t nobody need no more drama, ya hear?
  • Dress ya best. Your momma works hard so you can cover your ASSets, not shown em off. This ain’t a Tupac video.
  • Don’t be talkin’ bout folks behind their backs. We got faces for a reason.
    About that talkin’, I better not see your phone at the table. At dinter you should be talkin’ to each other. Jesus said “peace be still” and if I see a cell phone, LAWD HAVE MERCY, I will get my piece of steel!
  • Make sure you leave at a decent time; don’t think you can hang around here till ole dark thirty! Who the hell wants to stay up all night after eatin’ all the turkey!
    After dinter, help your folks clean up. We did the cooking, you can do the cleanting.
  • Before you go eating till your pants don’t fit, this is Tanksgiving so be sure you thank Jesus for all he gave you. I know he did a lot a talking in that book of his, but this is your turn to do the talkin’. Tell him what you’re thankful for. Don’t be holding back now, use your words.