Evansville Man Posts Hilarious and Vulgar Job Wanted Ad on Craigslist
Somebody hire this guy before he kills us all.
A man simply known as “Logan” posted an ad on Craigslist desperately seeking a new job. What does Logan have to offer? Well, what do you want him to do? Apparently, he can do anything and everything, and he wants to do it right effing now!
Can I get a f*****g job in this town?! (Evansville)
ME: I’m a machine.
I’m a f*****g monster, bloodthirsty. Willing to work 100 hours a week on the stupidest, most pointless s**t with a wide range. I’m currently employed but don’t feel like driving to Princeton every f*****g day for work.
Need a bartender for your business? I am a bad a*s bartender. I am one of the smartest hardworking sons of b*****s you will ever meet. I will bring every god d**n one of my customers from my old customer base at other bars I’ve worked for and you will have my undying loyalty.
Are you an attorney?! Guess what. I have three years of college education and I was a double major. I did pre law too. I can do your f*****g Paralegal work! Need an administrative assistant? I’ve worked in an office more times than I can remember! Spreadsheets! Payroll! Accounting! I DO ALL OF THAT!
I can sell anything. F*****g ANYTHING. Hire me to sell anything, and your sales will dramatically increase. I will be your number one top salesman in your business within a quarter; I guarantee it.
Do you have pleadings that need just a little “tweaking” because, despite how you act around friends and co-workers, you’re actually a s****y writer? Well, yes, I can re-write those and then eat s**t while you take all the credit. Got a contract that you could really handle yourself, but you’d be happier tossing off some of the actual work to a s**t eating loser? Yes, I can turn comments on those at 2 a.m. Got some documents that need review? I’m your f*****g man. I’ll do doc review until I’m blue in the face; I will sit there doing doc review until my prostate explodes. Why? BECAUSE I NEED A GOD***N JOB.
Don’t get me wrong: I’ve given up hope of ever being a successful attorney. Law school destroyed me and destroyed my life. I’m f****d forever, I know that. But my girlfriend will leave me if I don’t get a job fast and she’s the only thing I’ve got going in the world that I truly care about. Seriously, I’ll be out on the f*****g street and I won’t even care. I might go live in a box or get a canoe and go out into the Ohio F*****g River and die of exposure from cold weather and breathing in poo factory s**t vapors.
YOU: I don’t give a f**k so long as you pay me. You can be a baby-eating republican or a flag-burning democrat or a f*****g government populist! You could be raging bi polar alcoholic like my old boss. You could even be doing some freaky Saul Goodman s**t and I wouldn’t care. Why? Because I’ve given up. I thought for a while that I could be an attorney and NOT be a s**t bag, but I get it now that it’s not possible. I went to school for three years and lost my job, fiance and scholarship in the same f*****g day.
So take a look in the mirror and, if you see a fat, soulless, life sucking, miserable, c********r who is so miserable that you want to ruin someone else’s life, send s****y emails and call in the middle of the night to complain about work, b***h about how miserable your marriage is or how you can’t get laid, or just talk about s**t that has to be done in the morning, or to complain about how everything is wrong and awful and so I’ll have to do it over and over, or even if you want to make fun of my sexuality/ethnicity/disability/face to make yourself feel better about your lost youth, then give me a call.
I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU!
Read the entire, unedited version on Craiglist before it’s taken down.