Dear Mother Nature,

Seventy-two degrees? Were you aware that THIS IS FEBRUARY? I look at photos from... heck, even last year, and there was ice everywhere. Ice, snow, freezing temperatures - that is how February goes in these parts.

These flowers are blooming in my neighbor's yard. GO BACK UNDERGROUND YOU STUPID SHRUBBERY! -Photo: Jennifer Schenk

Now, don't get me wrong. I'd keep it at 100 degrees year-round if it was up to me. I LOVE warm, no, HOT weather. But, I feel like there's a reason we are supposed to have consistently cold winters here in Illdianucky. For instance, flowers are all like, "Yay, it's warm and sunny! Time to come out and play!" NO NO NO! You're going to freeze to death, you fool!

And, wild animals are all like, "Yay, I'll shed my winter coat since it's a balmy 72 degrees!" NO NO NO! You'll die of hypothermia when the weather changes and it's -30 next week! Keep your clothes on!

And, finally, my sinuses are all like, "Dude, what is going on? This is madness. I'm going to get really angry now!" :(

Listen, Mom, these extreme changes aren't healthy. And, I know it's not your fault. It's mine. It's the gasoline I use in my car. It's the trash I throw out. It's the large amount of cows and pigs blowing gas into the atmosphere that I lovingly eat on a daily basis. It's not you, Mother Nature, it's me. And, I'm sorry. I'll change. I'll do better! I NEVER thought I'd say this, but please go back to cold weather in February. Please?!

I had better just shut up. This is what Maine looks like right now... Beautiful but really flippin' cold.  Photo: Stephen Lenz