5 Things Gavin Will Do if the Chicago Cubs Win the World Series!
Last night, the Chicago Cubs won the National League Central Division. They've had a great season and are destined for more great things. But what will I do if they actually win the World Series?
1. Ugly Cry
"I'm not okkkkkkaayyyyyyy"
I've thought about what it will be like to actually see the Cubs get that last out and win the World Series a lot during my lifetime. I have no doubt that I will immediately start ugly-crying the moment the game is over.
So much emotion will pour out of me that I may just be in the fetal position for 3 weeks. I plan on applying mascara to get the full effect of ugly-crying. I tend to tear up during a lot of things so this is expected of me. (Seriously, I once started tearing up during the trailer for the animated kids film Planes: Fire and Rescue).
2. Let Kris Bryant Date My Sister
I just need to excuse myself for a few moments...
As an older brother, you have to be protective of your younger sister. When Kris Bryant keeps calling her and asking her out, my conditions are always "You call back when you when you win a World Series, mister!" Then I authoritatively hang up the phone and go back to reading a newspaper from 1954. If they win the World Series, Kris Bryant can finally take my sister out for a night on the town. I have no idea how her husband will feel about this but he didn't just help break a 100+ year championship drought so he can suck it.
3. Take Joe Maddon to Grandparent's Day at School
"Hug me, Grandpa Joe."
I like winners. Sure, my actual grandpa may have fought in wars and other things for this country, but did he manage a team with a wrought history of losing to a World Series victory? I don't think so. That's why I'm taking Cubs manager Joe Maddon to Grandparent's Day. Sure, Amanda's grandpa may have worked on the campaign trail for JFK, but he didn't allow his players to have pajama day and change the culture of the Chicago Cubs. Joe Maddon winning the World Series makes him my grandpa and legally binds him to taking photos with my teachers and having lunch with me in the cafeteria. That'll show that bully Justin just how cool I am.
4. Call Ex-Girlfriends Who Are Cardinals Fans and Rub It In
What? I'm petty.
5. Get Into Online Fight with Cardinals Fans
Pictured: Literally the Worst Humans in Existence
The moment the Cubs win a World Series, Facebook will explode with the joy and sunshine on a scale only seen in Disney movies. However, there will be Cardinals fans that say things like "Oh, not bad for a team that hasn't won in 100 years," and "I guess we'll just give you this one," and "Gavin, we only went out like 3 times, we weren't that close, why did you feel the need to call me and yell horrible things about Yadier Molina and what you want to do privately with Anthony Rizzo?"
Regardless, the "Best Fans in Baseball" will want to rain on the parade that is a Chicago Cubs victory, meaning I will have to engage in a multi-hour Facebook argument about the Cardinals and Cubs. And thus, the cycle will continue. But it won't matter because we will have finally done it! Happy Postseason everyone!