The fact that two of Hollywood’s darlings couldn’t make it work may not have been a surprise, but their ridiculously quick divorce turned so many heads that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes might be sued for whiplash.

Shortly after the couple filed for a divorce, Cruise almost immediately signed a massive settlement for Holmes. The paperwork had more than a few eye-opening eye-openers.

1. They spent millions of dollars on baby shoes. Not for Suri, but for Tom.

2. They go through a lot of couches because Tom keeps jumping on them.

3. Tom insisted on naming their daughter Elron, even though it was a girl.

4. Tom’s manic demeanor forced the couple to childproof the baby.

5. Katie plans to keep Tom from getting full custody of their baby by placing her on a very high shelf.

6. The Church of Scientology believed Tom Cruise was the new embodiment of L. Ron Hubbard’s reincarnated soul until they saw ‘Knight and Day.’

7. Katie Holmes had a career.

8. Tom Cruise’s bachelor party was held at [JOKE REDACTED BY A RESTRAINING ORDER FROM ATTORNEYS REPRESENTING THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY, LLC].

9. Katie referred to Suri’s dirty diapers as “making another ‘Days of Thunder.’”

10. Tom is really tired of all the “he’s so short jokes” going over his head, including this one.

11. For some reason, Tom has a massive fear of closets.

12. Tom and Katie decided to end their marriage quickly because they were sick of hearing about it on the news all the time instead of more important stuff.