10 Biggest Facebook Hook-up Fails: Sunny Edition

Back in late September, I re-activated my Facebook account for some projects I was working on and to try and connect with the general public. Sounds like a great idea, right? Sure, if you don't get accosted by bots and strange men wanting to bang like I did. Why do people think that Facebook is the ultimate hookup tool? I'm not sure if these guys realize this, but they do make hookup websites these days and they're fairly popular and successful. It also clearly states that I'm married on my profile but, you know, whatever right?

Since I found this to be equally appalling as humorous, I decided I just had to share the 10 worst Facebook Hook-Up fails I've experienced since being back on the website.

1) Just messaging 'Hi', 'poking', or 'waving' over and over.
Hello, people of the universe. Repeating an action over and over while getting no response likely means that the person you're doing it too doesn't want anything to do with you. So instead of continuing to repeat it, just stop. They'll talk to you if they want too. Your constant need for attention is not attractive.

2) Using Jesus as a wingman.
This was an interesting one. It really wasn't so bothersome as it was unusual. A man sent me some scripture and a prayer all while subtly hitting on me. I still really haven't figured out a way to respond, but kudos to you for using Jesus as your homeboy!

3) Propositioning me for $100.
I laughed so hard at this message. A guy sent me two thumbs up emojis and then wrote, "$100?" I deleted him, but I still laugh at this message. I'm worth way more than a hundred bucks, pal.

4) Pretending to be Zayn Malik.
Yeah, so that happened. Someone pretended to be Zayn Malik to hook-up with me and I'm sure, other women. Do you really think that we think you're Zayn? Like Zayn Malik spends hours online just trolling women on Facebook as his second job. Get outta here!

5) Saying you're a 'Juggalo 4 Lyfe'.
Has this ever gotten any man anywhere with women or in life in general? I'm just asking.

6) Sending a picture of your little soldier.
Men around the world: stop sending explicit pictures. On the off chance we actually want to see it, (we rarely do) we will ask to see it. Otherwise, you are likely going to either get reported or receive an explicit photo back of the same variety that I found on Google. Isn't there some saying, "An eye for an eye?" A penis for a penis, am I right?

7) Sending completely incoherent messages.
If you're going to hit on me at least do it in some form of coherence. I got several messages that I would need a code to decipher. Illiteracy is strong on the internet.

8) Calling me through Messenger 4 times in a row.
I don't answer calls through Messenger, period. That said, if I just met you and you call me four times in a row on Messenger, I'm going to block you. Ain't nobody got time for that!

9) Threatening me.
This is by far the worst way to attempt to bed someone, gentleman. Unless you happen to be attracted to your cellmate in jail after I call the police and have you arrested.

10) Electronic cat-calling.
One man called me, 'miss universe' while another messaged me some pretty explicit words about my photo. Both are pretty annoying, especially when it clearly states that you're married in your profile. Those are just two examples I got out of hundreds. CALM IT DOWN, Y'ALL.

Now while I wrote this in a fairly humorous tone, I want to be clear that a lot of these behaviors are actually considered harassment and are criminal in nature. In no way, shape, or form is it acceptable to harass anyone regardless of the intent or context. If you're experiencing behavior like this aimed at you, report the individual responsible and block them. If the harassment continues, I urge you to seek out law enforcement. These behaviors are not okay and should never be tolerated.